Counting the uncountable.

Tap-tup, tap-tup, it's been nearly 2 months since I started university. When the people around me ask me how it's been, my answer's always the same, "I'm doing fine, alhamdulillah." Even when I am not doing fine, if I just say it like that, it'll be some form of du'a right? ;)

University, if I choose to look at it in selected perspectives, has been full of blessings actually.One of the blessings Allah has deemed me fit for is making new friends, alhamdulillah. Today, I am going to talk about a particular friend. This friend, I shall call her 'Chingu' (pronounced as 'chin-goo'). Why Chingu? Because chingu is the Korean word for 'friend' and yep, I met her in Korean class.

(super long post; you've been warned)
I met Chingu in the first ever Korean class. She came in late and she took a seat beside me, making me feel happy. Entering the class and looking at the subsequent people who entered, it was one Chinese face after another. So when a Malay-looking girl hurried in, though harried, I felt glad, especially when she chose to sit beside me.

We kind of clicked from the first time. We automatically smirked at each other when we learned the Korean word for 'map'. It sounded like this particular swear word which of course, struck a chord in the childish/immature corner of our minds. Hehe. So yeah, we just got along well after that. Chingu turned out to be half-Malay, half-Chinese and contrary to my experience with this particular mixed race, she isn't fluent in Malay! She's been taking Chinese as a 2nd language since young all the way up to A Levels. Cool right! Anyway, it helps that she's the crazy kind of girl, full of laughter and very friendly. I'm the sort who takes a while to open up so I'm glad I found a friend like her.

Today, after Korean class, we were chilling outside the lecture theatre (neither one of us wanted to enter our respective classes early because the aircon for both were always turned down really low, which, considering the amount of shorts and skirts I always see, doesn't make an ounce of sense). Chingu was just telling me how she sat on a barricade at a concert and fell over backwards and I was just laughing my rear off; her stories make me think that she's a klutz hahaha. Anyway, I don't know how we got to this particular topic but she told me she actually tried having a go at the tudung around June this year but.. it didn't work out.

She told me instead of making her feel secure, wearing the tudung made her feel insecure. She said it made her feel awkward when she was hanging out with her non-Muslim friends, up to the point that she actually made up excuses not to hang out with them. See, Chingu wasn't very 'strict' when she hanged out with her friends. She doesn't drink and she doesn't eat pork. Her friends know that too but Chingu was also willing when her friends went to non-halal places. I don't think she meant clubs and bars but more like.. eateries that don't have the halal certificate. So yeah, she was kinda 'chill' in that sense.

After she started wearing the tudung, she would still go to those sort of eateries but her friends themselves told her that it's not good for her image as a hijabi and they started going to halal-certified places. She, on the other hand, started feeling like she was being a burden to her friends (though the industry's been growing in the past years, the amount of halal eateries are admittedly small) and that was when she started making up excuses like I mentioned. I asked her why she wore it in the first place and she said she just felt like it was time she wore it. You know, dah besar kan, takkan tak pakai?

But she said she just didn't feel... okay with wearing it. Her friends even told her that ever since she put it on, she had stopped smiling and laughing. It also felt like she was getting all the more judged because of it. And I felt sad for her because like she said, "the tudung is supposed to make me feel secure, but it didn't." And the thing about getting judged? It's true. The tudung is the mark of a Muslim woman (though I know there are non-Muslim women wearing the tudung as a religious symbol too) and you become a walking advertisement for Islam when you put it on. So when you're an ad for something, of course you're supposed to be the bestest ad you can be, right? So yes, people will judge you for that. How many times have I been told by my asatizah not to laugh like a mad woman in public? (But I...)

In the end, Chingu just couldn't get the whole thing and she stopped wearing it. She said she'll just wait for when it feels right to her and she'll put it on again. I was sad when she was telling me her story but hearing that, it made me happy. I know that when she finally commits herself to the hijab, she'll be able to wear it with a light heart :)

My personal take? I've always thought that you should cover yourself up no matter what your niyyah is like. If you've started your menses, cover yourself up. No questions asked. I know some people will argue about stuff like "But oh, I don't feel ikhlas when I do it and I don't think Allah will acknowledge this particular 'amal so I think I'll just leave it until I will be able to be sincere about it. Besides, didn't the Prophet (s.a.w) said that 'innamal a'amaalu binniyyaat'?"

First of all, I don't think being ikhlas is a requirement to cover up. Second of all, how do you know whether Allah acknowledges your 'amal or not? You're not Him. Third of all, how do you self-gauge your sincerity and self-affirm that you have it? How do you even assess sincerity at all? (I've actually read some articles about this and they were all recommended by some ulama but I don't know, it's kind of messed up to determine yourself as a sincere person but of course, I may be wrong.) Fourth of all, that hadith has been abused and misused way too many times, this particular situation included.

So why does this make me sound like a hypocrite? Wasn't I happy that Chingu has decided to commit to the tudung 'when it is the right time'? Why didn't I preach the hell out of Chingu? First of all, why do I think that the hijab has to be put on no matter what? Because I grew up in a conservative family; my parents were strict. Also, I was in a religious school for about 13 years of my life. Both factors combined really didn't leave much room for any other views to be shaped.

Second of all, why didn't I go all brimstone and hellfire on Chingu? You have to understand. Da'wah doesn't work on a black-and-white basis. There are a lot of factors to consider. She was from a secular school. And she had more exposure to and closer contact with society than I do. Society, also, as we all know, isn't full of tudung-clad women either. Hijabis are not the norm. This, I understand. Ahat is why I also understand why she doesn't want to wear it now. If I have lived in a different society where hijab is the norm (where Islam completely dominates all parts of our lives), I wouldn't have understood why a fellow sister doesn't want to wear the hijab. (Though I wonder if the far-reaching arms of the Western media could be far-reaching enough in this imagined society, but I digress). But this is Singapore, I am a Singaporean and she's also a Singaporean.

The fact that she's actually waiting (anticipating? InshaAllah :) for her time to wear it is enough for me. Right now, I just du'a for the both of us to become better Muslims. As well as for our friendship to continue and last. So that we can still snigger over new Korean words like 'housewife'. Okay, why do I know too many swear words? Keke.

P.s.: Wanna bet you didn't go to Google Translate? HAHA.